The Unexpected Things That Find Us in Grief
By Robin Wolfe
If you've been alive for any length of time, you've probably experienced loss. It's one of the few universal human experiences. Whether it's a first heartbreak, the death of a beloved pet, the end of a relationship, or the loss of someone deeply cherished, grief has a way of changing the landscape of our lives.
When loss is fresh, it can feel impossible to imagine moving forward. The world continues around us—the sun rises, people go to work, life carries on—but our own world may feel shattered. There can be a strange disconnect between what everyone else sees and what we're carrying inside.
Several years ago, I found myself in one of those dark seasons after experiencing the most painful loss of my life. Then, quite unexpectedly, someone knocked on my door carrying a box containing three tiny, filthy kittens.
A neighbor had found them after a severe storm—the only tornado I can remember experiencing in more than forty years of living in upstate New York. I knew nothing about raising kittens, but they looked so vulnerable that I couldn't turn them away.
After a call to the veterinarian, I gathered supplies and learned how to bottle-feed them. I cleaned them up, made them a warm place to sleep, and cared for them the best I could. Within a few days, they began to thrive.
Something else happened, too.
As the kittens grew stronger, I found myself looking forward to feeding them, holding them, and watching their antics. Anyone who has spent time around young kittens knows how difficult it is to stay focused on your own worries when they're racing across the room or climbing onto your shoulder. Their purrs, their trust, and the way they curled up together in my arms brought moments of comfort during a time when comfort felt hard to find.
Now, a word of caution: if you ever take in stray kittens, keep it to yourself.
Apparently, word travels fast. Before long, more kittens began appearing. Then more animals. One rescue led to another, and eventually what started as a cardboard box on my front porch grew into a nonprofit animal welfare and advocacy organization.
Over the next thirteen years, an incredible community of volunteers came together to rescue, rehabilitate, and rehome more than 6,000 animals. We created low-cost spay and neuter programs, helped families care for their pets, and found safe, loving homes for countless animals who otherwise might not have had a chance.
Looking back, I'm struck by how none of that was planned. I wasn't searching for a purpose or trying to turn my grief into something meaningful. I was simply taking care of three kittens that needed help.
I don't believe that every loss happens for a reason, nor do I think it's helpful to tell people that something good will come from their pain. Grief is real, and some losses leave permanent marks on our hearts.
What I do believe is that sometimes, in the midst of our hardest seasons, unexpected opportunities, connections, or callings find their way to us. We often don't recognize their significance at the time. We're just putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next small thing that needs to be done.
Only later, when we look back, do we sometimes see how those small moments became part of a much larger story.
The kittens didn't erase my grief. They didn't fix what had been lost. But they brought companionship, purpose, and eventually an entirely new chapter to my life. For that, I will always be grateful.
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What If the Things You Judge Most About Yourself Once Helped You Survive?
What if the things you judge most about yourself once helped you survive.
by Jennifer Upchurch
What if the things you criticize yourself for the most aren’t actually evidence that something is wrong with you?
What if they are strategies?
What if overthinking, replaying conversations in your head, saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no,” mindless scrolling, drinking too much, shutting down, people pleasing, staying busy, being “too much,” or constantly beating yourself up… all developed for a reason?
Not because you are broken.
Not because you are weak.
But because, at some point in your life, those strategies helped you get through something.
Most of us learned ways to cope long before we had the awareness, support, safety, or emotional capacity to do something different. We adapted in the best ways we knew how.
Maybe overthinking helped you stay prepared in an unpredictable environment.
Maybe people pleasing helped you stay connected and avoid conflict.
Maybe scrolling or numbing out gave your nervous system a break when life felt overwhelming.
Maybe being hard on yourself felt safer than risking criticism from someone else.
These patterns often begin as protection.
And yet, many of us spend years fighting with ourselves about them. We try to force them away. We shame ourselves for having them. We ask, “Why am I like this?”
But what happens when we ask a different question?
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
What if we asked, “How did this help me?”
That shift can change everything.
Because when we approach ourselves with curiosity instead of criticism, we begin to understand that even the parts of us we dislike are often trying to help in some way. They may be using outdated strategies. They may be exhausting. They may even be hurting us now. But many of them began with good intentions.
This doesn’t mean we stay stuck in unhealthy behaviors or excuse harmful choices. Awareness still matters. Growth still matters. Healing still matters.
But healing tends to happen more gently and often more effectively when it comes from understanding instead of shame.
There is something powerful about being able to say:
"Of course I learned to do that."
"That makes sense."
"That part of me was trying to protect me."
Sometimes it can even lead to gratitude.
Not gratitude that you had to struggle.
Not gratitude for the pain itself.
But gratitude that your mind and body found ways to help you survive it.
Because without those strategies, maybe things could have been worse.
Maybe you would have felt more alone.
Maybe you would have gotten into more trouble.
Maybe you would not have made it through in the way that you did.
The goal is not to hate these parts of yourself into changing.
The goal is to become aware enough, compassionate enough, and supported enough that you no longer need those strategies in the same way.
And often, that change begins not with judgment, but with curiosity.
The Mental Load Women Carry and Why It’s So Exhausting
Many women carry an invisible mental load; managing schedules, emotions, caregiving responsibilities, work, and family needs all at once. Over time, this constant pressure can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, and burnout.
by Jennifer Upchurch
Many women are carrying far more than what is visible on the surface.
The mental load is not just about having a busy schedule or a long to-do list. It is the invisible responsibility of constantly thinking ahead, remembering details, anticipating needs, managing emotions, and keeping life functioning for everyone around you.
It’s remembering the appointments.
Planning the meals.
Tracking school forms.
Managing work responsibilities while mentally organizing the household.
Checking in on relationships.
Remembering what everyone needs, often before they ask. And for many women, it also includes caring for aging parents while still trying to manage everything else.
Trying to balance guilt, responsibility, frustration, and love all at the same time. It can feel emotionally overwhelming and incredibly lonely.
Even during moments of “rest,” the mind rarely feels fully off.
Over time, this constant mental juggling can become emotionally and physically exhausting.
Why the Mental Load Feels So Heavy
Many women find themselves becoming the default person who keeps track of everything; schedules, appointments, emotional needs, school forms, groceries, family communication, and the million little details no one else even notices.
This is something we hear often in therapy sessions.
A lot of women describe feeling mentally exhausted before the day even starts because their brain is already planning, anticipating problems, and trying to make sure everyone else is okay.
The difficult part is that much of this work is invisible.
Others may see the completed tasks, but not the ongoing emotional energy required to hold everything together.
This can lead women to feel:
Overwhelmed
Irritable
Emotionally drained
Anxious
Mentally “on” all the time
Resentful without fully understanding why
Guilty for needing rest
Sometimes women wonder:
“Why am I so exhausted?”
The answer is often that the brain has never truly had a chance to rest.
When Stress Starts Showing Up Everywhere
Chronic mental overload does not stay neatly contained.
Over time, it can affect:
Sleep
Mood
Patience
Relationships
Concentration
Motivation
Physical tension and fatigue
Many women become so accustomed to functioning under constant pressure that they no longer recognize how depleted they actually feel.
They continue pushing through because there is always someone who needs something.
But constantly operating in survival mode comes at a cost.
You Don’t Have to Earn Rest
One of the most difficult patterns many women struggle with is the belief that rest must be deserved.
That it only becomes acceptable after everything is finished.
But when someone is carrying the mental load for multiple people and multiple stages of life, “finished” rarely comes.
Rest is not laziness.
Needing support is not weakness.
Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are failing.
It means you are carrying a lot.
Therapy Can Help Lighten the Load
Therapy can provide a space where women no longer have to hold everything alone.
It can help with:
Anxiety and overwhelm
Caregiver stress
Boundary setting
People pleasing patterns
Chronic stress
Emotional exhaustion
Relationship dynamics
Learning to prioritize your own needs without guilt
Sometimes healing begins simply by having one place where you do not have to take care of everyone else for an hour.
At Upchurch Counseling and Wellness, we provide counseling for women navigating anxiety, stress, burnout, caregiving responsibilities, and the emotional weight of trying to hold everything together.